Today I woke up, and it took a few minutes to process what had happened. It was one of those "did I have a nightmare?" moments. I have a bad cold right now, so I was coughing a lot this morning. Ava asked me if I was alright, and I said that I was okay, just sick. And she asked, "is the baby sick too?" I told her no, the baby wasn't sick. I brought her to school, and then spent the morning cleaning and watching TV.

When I picked her up from school, I took her to Walgreens, and as we were getting out of the car she said, "do you have a baby in your belly?" She asks me that all the time. I told her that I didn't have a baby in there anymore, and she said, "so now you can hold me?" I said yes, and told her that I hoped we would have a baby in my belly again really soon. And she said, "for me?" So, that ends the issue of what we should tell Ava. I'm glad she didn't ask anymore questions.

Miscarriages are very common - I know or 5 people personally who have had them and they all have children. It's just something you think only happens to other people, but never expect it will happen to you - until it does.

I am a "rip the band-aid off fast" kind of person, so I sent an email to some friends and family last night. I received some very comforting emails and texts back. I don't want this to drag on for weeks, so I wanted everyone to know at once. The hardest part is that my body doesn't seem to want to let it go. I have not had a single miscarriage symptom - no spotting, bleeding, or cramping. Today I took a pregnancy test - and it came back positive. I want it to let it go, and have it be done and over with. Sitting here and waiting for it to happen is going to drive me crazy. Not to mention, the longer this goes one, the longer it will be before we can try again. According to the ultrasound doctor, the baby was around 8 weeks gestation. Today would have been the 15th week of my pregnancy. So for almost 8 weeks I have been walking around with a miscarriage and not knowing it. How much longer will it be??

The one thing that comforts me is knowing that my womb is so healthy that it is still trying to take care of this baby. It doesn't want to let it go. It still thinks I'm pregnant. Being around Ava makes me feel better and lets me concentrate on other things. I feel so lucky to have her.

Sad Day

Brent & I found out today that I suffered a miscarriage. I went to the mid-wife last week and today, and they couldn't find a heartbeat, so they sent me for an ultrasound. The baby only lived until about 8 weeks. I was 15 weeks tomorrow and have had no symptoms of miscarriage.

We are very sad, but will grieve our loss and try again when the time is right. I am not a religious person, but I know that many of you are, and it is comforting to me to know that prayers might be said on our behalf.

We love you,

Alissa, Brent & Ava

Boooo

We couldn't hear the baby's heartbeat today - she just couldn't find it. I go back in next week to try again. My ultrasound to find out the gender won't be until late August, so I guess I need to try to be patient.

Recent quote from Ava while walking to the bathroom:

"Poop comes from your butt, and pee comes from your bagina."

In the Closet

We've been busy around here doing some stuff around the house. A couple of weeks ago I was putting something away in our closet and Brent's shelf fell down on me. It has fallen a few times in the past, but this time I decided it was time for a closet overhaul. That is the one space in this house that has not been touched since we moved in. This is what it looked like after the fall:


This is what it looks like now:


We got rid of an unbelievable amount of stuff! I have 2 bags of trash and 4 big boxes to Goodwill. It feels so much better to have it done.

Last night Brent and I had a "date night." We went to a trendy Japanese/Thai restaurant in a different city for dinner, and it was kind of funny. I felt like I was on an episode of "Sex in the City" because we were sitting in the outdoor area, and they had this blue rope lighting everywhere and techno music was blaring from the speakers. The parking lot was full of Mercedes & BMW's and a Ferrarri. That really isn't our "scene," but the food was pretty good and we tried a new place, which I love to do. I would go back.
After the dinner, we went and saw "The Dark Knight." I was pretty happy that we got to see it opening weekend, considering we don't get to the movies much. The last movie we saw in the theatre was Juno, I think. It was a great movie, although I didn't like Maggie Gyllenhal in it. I'm sure some people would probably disagree with me, but as much as I don't care for Katie Holmes, I think they should have kept her in the role. I love Christian Bale as Batman, and I think Heath Ledger was awesome as the Joker. I am the biggest Gore-a-phobe ever, so there were some parts where I had to cover my eyes, but Brent said they didn't really show anything. Anytime a knife is in the scene, my eyes are closed. I thought it went a little too long, but overall I really liked it.

Ava is doing great. She is our little dancing queen - she hears music and she starts moving, even if it's just a commercial. When she gets closer to 3 I want to put her in dance or gymnastics. She is doing great with the potty training, having no accidents for a long time now. I still put a pull-up on her at night, but she does a good job keeping it dry. I really think the "cold turkey" approach to potty training is the way to go. If you get them used to seeing the potty seat, and let them pick out their own underwear, and then no more diapers at all - it worked for us. My boss did it very gradually with her 3 year old son, sometimes putting him in underwear but then also keeping him in diapers, and he is still having a hard time. I have also heard that girls are easier than boys when it comes to potty training, so who knows.

I go to the midwife on Tuesday, and I am really excited. I can't wait to hear the heartbeat of this little one. I am feeling good, just getting fat. I am that in-between stage where my normal clothes are too tight but I'm not ready for maternity clothes yet. If I could wear my draw-string waist pajama pants all day I would be so happy.

Here are some recent pictures:

Imagine walking into your bathroom in the middle of the night, and this is what you see:


And while you are in the shower, it stares at you with that little smile:


Actual size:


Thank you Brad & Vanessa for getting Ava such a cute, if a little creepy, gift.

11 Weeks

We look kind of 3D in these pictures. Ava really enjoys talking about the new baby, and she likes to tell people that she has a baby in her belly. She asks people if they want to see it.

I took her to see her first movie a couple of weeks ago - Kung Fu Panda. I knew it was rated PG but figured it wouldn't be a big deal. I had heard it was a great movie. Well, we made it through about 20 minutes total. Ava did not enjoy the experience very much. If you ask her how she liked it, she will say "I was a little scared." She did not like the dark, she did not like the seats that kept folding up on her, and she did not like the loudness of the movie. She did not like some of the "scary" characters either. All Disney movies have that dark element to them, that scary character. Even "The Little Mermaid" is too intense for young kids. So, hopefully I didn't traumatize her too much with this first experience and she will be open to trying again. This time I will wait until a "G" movie comes out.

We will be going to her first live show this month - The Backyardigans! I think it will be so much fun.