It has been an emotional time in the Morris household this past month. There is a commercial that says "Life comes at you fast" - and it feels like life has thrown a cannon ball at me.
All I can say is that I hope the rest of this year is much calmer. I had a sure-ness about life that isn't there right now, but I hope I feel it again soon.
My water broke this morning. Continue reading if you want.
Last Tuesday was devastating but we were handling it well. I took the rest of the week off of work, and just spent time with Ava. We did a little shopping and it was nice. I had made an appointment with my OBGYN for tomorrow to discuss the D&C procedure, since I was sure that's what I wanted to do. I took a pregnancy test on Friday and it was still positive.
Last night I noticed a little discharge, something like I would get right before a period. It wasn't very noticeable, but it made me tense up. I had no cramping or anything, and it quickly went away. Then this morning I was woken up at 7:30 thinking I just wet the bed. There was a lot of fluid. It was completely surreal. I jumped up and ran to the bathroom, still thinking I had peed, but then I saw the blood. I realized then that my water broke while I was sleeping. After calling the midwife on call, it was decided that I should go to the emergency room just to get checked out. We spent hours there. Obviously, I was in the process of expelling everything, and it was going smoothly. They did an ultrasound to make sure, and also took a tissue sample to run some routine tests.
Apparently what I had was a missed miscarriage. Now that this occurred, it is a complete miscarriage. I am actually relieved that this happened, because now we can move on. I have not had any pain, and the bleeding has subsided quite a bit. We can start trying again in a couple of months.
I have a few friends & family members who have personally experienced this, and it has been a huge comfort to me that they have shared their stories and advice with me. I have felt such a wide range of emotions in the past few days, but I never felt alone. I have read the blogs of strangers - friends of friends - who have experienced such heartbreak in this area recently, and I am thankful that they shared what they went through. Which is why I wanted to share mine - you never know who might stumble across it.
Today I woke up, and it took a few minutes to process what had happened. It was one of those "did I have a nightmare?" moments. I have a bad cold right now, so I was coughing a lot this morning. Ava asked me if I was alright, and I said that I was okay, just sick. And she asked, "is the baby sick too?" I told her no, the baby wasn't sick. I brought her to school, and then spent the morning cleaning and watching TV.
When I picked her up from school, I took her to Walgreens, and as we were getting out of the car she said, "do you have a baby in your belly?" She asks me that all the time. I told her that I didn't have a baby in there anymore, and she said, "so now you can hold me?" I said yes, and told her that I hoped we would have a baby in my belly again really soon. And she said, "for me?" So, that ends the issue of what we should tell Ava. I'm glad she didn't ask anymore questions.
Miscarriages are very common - I know or 5 people personally who have had them and they all have children. It's just something you think only happens to other people, but never expect it will happen to you - until it does.
I am a "rip the band-aid off fast" kind of person, so I sent an email to some friends and family last night. I received some very comforting emails and texts back. I don't want this to drag on for weeks, so I wanted everyone to know at once. The hardest part is that my body doesn't seem to want to let it go. I have not had a single miscarriage symptom - no spotting, bleeding, or cramping. Today I took a pregnancy test - and it came back positive. I want it to let it go, and have it be done and over with. Sitting here and waiting for it to happen is going to drive me crazy. Not to mention, the longer this goes one, the longer it will be before we can try again. According to the ultrasound doctor, the baby was around 8 weeks gestation. Today would have been the 15th week of my pregnancy. So for almost 8 weeks I have been walking around with a miscarriage and not knowing it. How much longer will it be??
The one thing that comforts me is knowing that my womb is so healthy that it is still trying to take care of this baby. It doesn't want to let it go. It still thinks I'm pregnant. Being around Ava makes me feel better and lets me concentrate on other things. I feel so lucky to have her.
Brent & I found out today that I suffered a miscarriage. I went to the mid-wife last week and today, and they couldn't find a heartbeat, so they sent me for an ultrasound. The baby only lived until about 8 weeks. I was 15 weeks tomorrow and have had no symptoms of miscarriage.
We are very sad, but will grieve our loss and try again when the time is right. I am not a religious person, but I know that many of you are, and it is comforting to me to know that prayers might be said on our behalf.
We love you,
Alissa, Brent & Ava
